The Myth of Something Better
I was chatting with a friend one night on the phone about how we find unassuming confidence so attractive in men. She mentioned how she wished her husband was more confident and how she felt that she’d be better matched with a partner who possessed that quality. She of course isn’t wrong. However the discussion lead us to talk about relationships, marriage, and divorce.
I told her I’ve seen enough “out here” in single land to realize something very important. There is a myth – often portrayed in Hollywood – of something better “out there.” I told her, from what I’ve seen, the choice in long term relationships is not your spouse verses “something better.” There isn’t better, just different.
The real choice in considering ending a long term relationships is: this partnership or myself.
Let me explain. When you’re with someone for an extended length of time, they become predictable and often boring. Too comfortable. It is natural to crave excitement and novelty in romance and sexuality (read the works of Esther Perel or any good sex therapist worth their money if you don’t believe me). It is often easy to see their faults more clearly or at least with equal weight as their strengths. It’s easy to have a fixed perspective that if they were more X or less Y, then you would be happier with them. This can also happen because YOU are changing… Because you are alive after all. And your partner changes too. So a dynamic that worked in the beginning might no longer serve you or attract you like it once did.
I have heard several stories of marriages end over this very issue – and now they think back and feel like it might have been fixable (if you are one of my friends thinking - crap that’s me… know that you aren’t alone). They’ve told me they were wanting so badly “something better, something different”… My heart aches for my friends who feel this way. It causes them a great amount of suffering, even over a decade past their divorces.
When it comes to choosing divorce over doing the hard work to renew a relationship, the choice is not your partner or something better. It’s not (enter in trait that you wish was different about your spouse) verses someone OUT THERE who has that trait.
The choice is this: that person AS THEY ARE (not the fantasy of who you wish they were) or being content by yourself.
If you are in a long-term relationship and divorce is floating around, this is the question to ask yourself.
Would I rather be alone then in this relationship?
That my friends, is a deep and very painful question to ask yourself. It is also very painful if the deep and honest answer is, “yes I would rather be alone.” You need to KNOW FOR SURE that you choose YOURSELF… Not a hope in a mystical “someone better.”
We don’t live in a culture where being alone feels good. I’ve dated men with qualities I admire but something in my heart tells me they aren’t right for me. I have noticed my emergency fear-of-being-alone system will begin to kick in. “Well, if we look at him upside down and sideways…. If we ignore this or that…then maaaaaaybe….” No. Dead stop. That’s not accepting someone as they are and choosing them - ALL of them. That is trying to force a square peg into a round hole out of scarcity fear. When I become aware of this happening, I then have to remind myself that my peace and inner alignment come first, always. I am learning to trust myself. Deeply. (it’s a process)
Am I saying you should stay in unhealthy or unhappy relationship? Or scare you into staying with someone you don’t want to be with or someone who refuses to grow or change WITH you? ABSOLUTELY NOT. My goal here is to share some wisdom from my experience and the experience of others I have encountered to get you to think about it from an angle you might not have considered.
Relationships are complicated, magical, wonderful, and messy. They are the mirror to our shadow. Most importantly the relationship we have with OUR SELF is the best gauge to know how ready we are for a fulfilling relationship – whether it’s a re-newed relationship with the same partner, someone new, or even close friends and community!
Remember when you think about the mystical “something better” OUT THERE, look inside and remember the words of Jimmy Buffett..
“It’s a jungle out there kiddies, have a very fruitful day!” Jimmy Buffett Fruitcakes.
All My Love
REH