How I became Reh, lost her, then found her again.
Middle school is a hard time. I swear kids these days don’t have those “OMG burn the pictures” from those years like I know I have. But over all I loved middle school. I attended a small private Catholic school in Plattsburgh, New York. With small classes, we all knew each other pretty well, and despite the horrible hair, acne, and Jenkos (on days we didn’t have to wear dress code compliant clothes) that were wide enough to fully consume my Airwalk sneakers, it’s a time I look back on with fondness.
I had always struggled with a nick-name. I didn’t like Rach very much. I would cringe when someone would say it. So, I asked my friends - PLEASE DO NOT call me Rach. Being cool in the ‘90s way, I of course had an LL Bean backpack with my initials sewn onto the back- REH. One day I was walking down the hall and my friend Gena said, “Hey… Your name is… Rrrr…Eeee…Hhhh…. RRRReeehhhhh…. Reh! I’m going to call you that. That’s your name now.” I liked it… And it stuck. The H sound softened and began to sound more like Rey, which I preferred.
As I left the Catholic School system during high school, I altered it to Rae, because no one understood how to pronounce Reh. The nick-name came with me to college. Then when I met the man who became my husband, he thought it was “weird” to have a “boy’s” nickname… my autonomy and commitment to my individuality wavered, I became Rachael or Rach.
I gave up the fight to feel like me in my own skin. The old me, the person I was before I converted to Mormonism at 17, was “not who God wanted her to be.” She liked to swear, listen to inappropriate music, laugh loudly, and do weird crazy things with her hair. I simmered down and became a good Mormon wife and mother. I traded in my platform knee length black boots and mini-skirt for knee length skirts and cardigans. Make-up? Who had time for that with birthing and nursing four children in six years? Hobbies? Only if it benefited my family or furthered the work of the Lord.
When everything blew to pieces in my marriage, it was one of many things that came out. I realize I had lost Reh. I had lost my inner sunshine, my passions, my slightly edgy style, my snarky sometimes inappropriate humor, my love for dance and music…. my individuality. It was part of my awakening to mourn how I abandoned her. THAT was some deep pain my friends. There was MUCH weeping. I became determined to go back, pick her up, grow her up, and integrate her back into my journeyed soul.
When I began all the nitty-gritty entrepreneurial work of website building, and logo design, I had to go by my full name because my first and last were taken (hello to the other Rachael Harris out there!). I also realized the emblem of the sun was a critical element that represents a core part of who I was, am, and want to be. As I played with Canva, it just came out. The sun by the R –to again go ALL the way back to Reh…. I loved it. I submitted it to my designer. She loved it. And so again, Reh has stuck. She who was a part of my identity formation of my youth, will come with me to represent all I want bring to you as a coach.
When you realize you have self-abandoned, either in small ways or in big ways, it is a time for mourning. I want you to know that I understand how painful that realization can be. I urge you to not walk that path alone. It’s also important to understand how you got there, and how to reconnect and move forward. If this sounds like you, please let’s chat.
All My Love Friends!
Reh